A Project of Self Discovery

I finally got around to seeing this movie. I really liked it. Some stuff I related to, others not. I think it was probably exaggerated in certain areas, but that was to be expected. The friends in the support group I felt were more autistic than asperger’s. Though I thought the characters Donald and Isabelle were pretty well done.

I could understand some of the things they were going through. For example, when they didn’t know what to say to each other. I feel that way a lot. I also could understand Isabelle’s sensitivity about clanging metal. I act much like that when there are fireworks going off. I also relate to Donald’s stimming. Seeing him wringing his hands like that was amazing because it looked exactly like what I do. Only I usually do it when I’m excited. I think I’m really a mix between Isabelle and Donald as far as functioning goes. Overall the film was great.

Then something pretty crazy happened after I watched it. I was pretty wired at the time, even before watching the movie, but when I went up to my room, I was pacing back and forth and my hands were shaking. I couldn’t seem to stop them from shaking either. Normally when I shake them it only lasts a few seconds, but this was lasting minutes. It was getting a little annoying because it wouldn’t stop. So, I decided to sit on the floor and just let my hands do their thing. Then I was starting to rock back and forth. Finally, I decided to take some Nyquil and eventually the shaking stopped after about a half hour and I went to bed. I don’t know if this was some crazy reaction to what I watched in the movie or what? I’ve never had such an intense stimming episode before, if that is indeed what it was. Maybe it was a reaction to the movie in relating myself to the characters.

I can be pretty sarcastic by nature, but there are occasions where I don’t always catch it from other people. I have a few stories about that, a couple of which are pretty funny.

Recently my mom had come back someplace with my brother, and I was hoping she would bring me home some lunch because I hadn’t eaten yet. I saw she had a brown bag in her hand and she gave it to me, saying I’d probably like what was in there. So, I looked in there, but there was just a phone plug. It made me angry. I wanted food! I said to my mom I should throw this bag at your head. I tend to fall for things like this, so my mom can tease me easily. It is kind of silly sometimes. If she did have a sarcastic tone in her voice about the lunch thing, I didn’t catch it.

Another time my mom and I went on a hike, and she was looking at some trees and remarked to me, “Boy I would love to paint these trees” I was thinking wha? “You’re going to paint the tree!?” See, I was thinking she would like to get a bucket and paintbrush out and literally paint the tree. I had totally forgotten that she likes to paint on canvases. So, she was like “No, no” lol. Me: Doh! Now we still kind of joke about this incident.

Also one time in class I asked a guy how his Thanksgiving break was. He said it was great. So, then I nodded my head. But then later he told someone else that it was terrible and he got sick. So, I don’t know if he was being sarcastic when he told me it was great or not. :S

Most of the time when I interpret things literally it’s funny and I can make jokes about it. There’s only a few times when I got mad when my mom wasn’t being serious with me.

I haven’t updated in a while because well so many things occupy my time these days, a lot of work needing to be done, ect…It’s tough being a full-time student. I was going to post this topic way sooner, but today I just felt like posting it. I guess since I stick mostly to autism related stuff on here there’s not much to talk about, so I refer you to my livejournal at http://dazed-girl.livejournal.com/ because it’s probably much more interesting plus I update it almost every day.

Now I want to talk about my parents. I consider my parents to be NTs, but not strongly so. I do actually notice a few ASD traits here and there, and I don’t know if it’s because I’ve become more aware of such things, or perhaps I’m just jumping to conclusions, but I do want to talk about them.

First my parents are not very traditional. At-least I don’t think so. They both seem to be agnostic, and very liberal except for my dad who’s registered as a democrat and votes conservatively. They’re both very much into video gaming, in fact the whole family is. I grew up loving to play games on the computer. I would guess most parents aren’t into playing video games. That’s kind of what I love about my family. They seem cool to me.

When I observe my mom I notice that she does have obsessions. Her life-long obsession is General Hospital. She has been watching it since the early eighties. She gets mad when some emergency happens on the news resulting in the cancellation of her show. As for me soap operas are mostly pointless, but I do admit I like Desperate Housewives for its wit. Some other obsessions she has or has had are lighthouses, wine(after the movie Sideways came out), penguins, The Black Dahlia murders, and more recently Spider Solitaire. Those are a bit more obscure, no? She’s also been collecting some of her favorite tv shows on dvd. She loves Star Trek as well. In fact she’s watching it right now. Because of these things I think my mom is cool. The fact that she plays video games makes kids think she’s cool too. Another thing is that she sometimes randomly changes the subject in conversations, and when she does that I have no idea what she’s talking about. LOL I don’t know if that’s just the way she is though. Even so I still consider her NT because these are really the only things that don’t make her an “average” mom.

As far as my dad goes he really only has one obsession and that’s with his plane. He loves flying, and he has wanted to do it since he was a kid. So, not too long ago he got his pilot’s license and spends at least one day on the weekend flying. When he talks it’s often about his flying, and I have kind of gotten sick of it by now. It’s so funny though. One time my brother, my dad and I were in the car and he was driving us to the movies. It was quiet the whole time through until he piped in about something that happened while he was flying the other day. My brother and I were just like whatever. My dad’s job is also a chemist, if that means anything. I would say he’s introverted like me and doesn’t like to socialize much. He doesn’t like doing presentations at work, going to parties, or talking on the phone long, but I don’t know if it’s due to anxiety or it’s just the way he is.

Anyway as you can see my parents may have a couple of traits of ASDs, but I wouldn’t say they are on the spectrum because they are mostly NT, or maybe borderline. If they were “average” I probably wouldn’t get along with them so much.

Since I’ve discovered AS I often find myself looking for characters in the entertainment world with possible ASDs. So, I will talk about several that have caught my eye from shows and books.

One character that comes to mind is Osaka from the anime show Azumanga Daioh. She’s often spacey and says random things that the other characters don’t get. She finds humor in bizzare things and has a unique way of imagining the world. Some people say she could have inattentive ADD or AS and I definitely do see that. I love Osaka because she’s so funny and I can relate to her. Another character from the show is Sakaki. Sakaki is very quiet and reserved and is obsessed with cute things. She also is considered cool because of her tall height, but she would much prefer to be cute. I get the sense that she doesn’t quite fit in with her peers and probably wishes she could be more childlike. She could possibly have AS or just be shy, but I can also relate to her very much. I first learned of Azumanga Daioh from an online buddy of mine and since then it has become my favorite anime.

Another character that comes to mind is from the new tv show Help Me Help You. The character Inger seems like she has AS to me and it’s pretty obvious. Basically the show is about a therapist doing group therapy, but he also could use some therapy himself. Inger is described as having a total lack of social skills, it seems like she takes a lot of things literally, and always says what’s on her mind so she appears very blunt. She is no doubt my favorite character of the show. In one episode she invited some World of Warcraft friends over. They come to her flat and at first she’s a bit unerved about them entering her space, but then she connects with one of the guys and he really likes her because no girls his age are into the stuff she’s into. She also told them that she was a computer programmer. I found that scene touching because I can relate to it. Most females my age are probably not into the things I like and maybe that’s the reason why I have mostly male friends as contacts on my msn list. :S It would certainly explain things, but yes Inger is definitely the reason I love this show so much.

House is also a great show and a great character. The last episode featuring the autistic boy was one of the best and they even considered the possibility that House had AS. When I heard that my heart practically skipped a beat. Ultimately they decided against it though, but I still think House could have it. You just gotta love House.

Now I want to mention a series of fantasy books I read called The Half-Blood Chronicles by Andre Norton and Mercedes Lackey. In them they have a couple of characters I supsect that could have AS. You don’t hear of them in the first book, but they are in the final two. The first character was Sheyrena and she was described as having little interest in fashion and considered very plain looking and doesn’t seem to understand people around her. The next character I’m almost certain has AS and he appeared in the final book Elvenborn. His name is Kyrtian and he’s described as being eccentric, his one obsession is military tactics, he doesn’t understand current fads or fashions and sees it as not important, he doesn’t understand his own race(he’s elven) and is described as having a monotone voice. I really enjoyed his character. I would recommend this series to aspies because it is good.

Some other characters I could relate to are Belle from Beauty and the Beast, Matilda, and Dexter from Dexter’s Lab. Belle because of her love of reading and is seen as odd and is free from judgements because she falls in love with a beast. Matilda also because of her hyperlexic reading abilities and it seems like she’s the normal one compared to the adults around her. Dexter I love for obvious reasons. For one, him and his sister reminds me of me and my brother only the characters are switched. I’m the one who loves science and I have blonde hair and my brother is the younger one with red hair. I recently caught an episode where Dexter was acing everything except for sports, and he had to pass sports. He said something to the effect of “Why play sports when you can spend time learning about science?!” I totally agree with his statement.

Overall I love shows, books and movies with characters I can relate to. They soon become my favorites.

My grandma and my mom were talking about my great aunt in the car yesterday. She’s no longer living; passed away from cancer. I always wanted to know more about her simply because of some things I’ve learned. She died when I was pretty young so I don’t really remember much about her.

The things I’ve learned about her are really interesting though. For one she had PCOS(polycystic ovary syndrome) which is a disorder that affects your period. I have this as well and take medication for it. She also had bipolar disorder and was taking meds for that. She was known as being very smart academically, but not so much emotionally. She also would read just about every book in the library, and she loved to travel. She also seemed to be lacking in the common sense department. Hearing this was fascinating because it sounded a lot like AS to me. I’m thinking that maybe she might have had it. I know that sometimes bipolar can occur comorbidly with it, and also sometimes PCOS.

The interesting thing about PCOS is that a sign of it is your index finger being shorter than your ring finger. My index finger is significantly shorter compared to my ring finger on both hands, but especially on my left hand. I know that the finger ratio deal can also be a sign of autism too, so I think there may be a connection. Also both conditions can be linked to excess testosterone, and well that has been proven by tests I have taken. It would certainly explain my more masculine traits.

Did my great aunt really have an ASD too? I don’t know, but considering I see some similarities between me and her I think it could be likely. Also it would mean that that was probably who I got it from. The special gene that got passed down from her. As far as I know my parents or my brother aren’t on the spectrum. They may have a couple traits here and there, but I wouldn’t say they have an ASD. I kind of wish my great aunt was still alive because it would be really interesting to see what she’s like.

She loved to read. I love to read. In fact, I think I could argue I was hyperlexic because I was reading by the time I was 3 years old. Yes, she would be a fascinating person if she was still around. My family really enjoyed her company.

I remember when I was six years old and I had all these tests done on me. At the time I didn’t know what the tests were for, but some years ago my mom told me it was because I had hypotonia, which is poor muscle tone. It gave me very terrible fine motor skills. I couldn’t stand on one leg without falling over, I couldn’t throw a ball, I was late in learning how to ride a bike, and buttoning my clothes wasn’t easy. So, as a result I was put in physical therapy for it and adaptive physical education at school, but I’ll get into that later.

A couple of years ago my mom showed me the papers which had all the testing on it. I looked at them with interest and noticed they had written down something about my cerebellum, but I wasn’t sure what. I’m thinking that it may have been underdeveloped or something. I had an MRI not too long ago and the doctors who reviewed the notes also mentioned something to do with my cerebellum. So, I think there’s probably something odd with it, but I’m just not sure what. My mom also told me that the doctors testing me as a child labeled me as being “slightly autistic” The doctors seemed to not really go further into that though. I was never diagnosed. Now I kind of wished they looked more into it so I wouldn’t be so confused now. Maybe it was because AS wasn’t as well known then and maybe things would have been different if all that testing was done later.

Anyways so I was put in physical therapy and placed in adaptive P.E. in school to help my fine motor skills. The only thing I remember about physical therapy was swinging on the swing. That was fun. I love swings. It’s the feeling you get while up in the air. Feeling like you could just fly off. Adaptive P.E. was a different experience though. I think other kids saw that I wasn’t in normal P.E. so they made fun of me. I seem to remember being called “retarded”. I was also a small kid and the other kids could easily take advantage of me. I think that’s where I started lacking confidence and developing social anxiety.

I even remember working with the handicapped kids at school. I really enjoyed doing it. I think it was because I felt a connection with them that I didn’t feel with other kids. Some of them may have even been autistic, but I didn’t know what that was yet. It’s really no wonder then that kids thought I was “retarded”

The therapy and P.E. helped me a lot. My fine motor skills got better; I could do things I couldn’t do before. They still aren’t the greatest though and sometimes I get very frustrated when I can’t for example open a tight jar, or undo a tight knot. I probably will always need a little help now and then, or at least a scissors.

Another weird quirk I had was chewing on my clothes and hair. I did this in class, so people noticed. I don’t really know why I did this. It was probably because I was uncomfortable or anxious. Chewing my clothes left holes as you can imagine, and I don’t do it anymore. You know what’s weird though is sometimes I get this urge to chew on my seatbelt when I’m in the car. I would never act on these kinds of impulses though.

I also have this tic/stim thing. First it started out as tightening or clenching up my facial muscles as a baby(my mom told me this) Then it became a hand flapping, which I did when I was excited. Now it’s sometimes a hands shaking or finger clenching, for lack of a better term. I still do it only when I’m excited. I think I probably used to do it in public, but now I only do it in private. So, it is sort of under subconscious control. I don’t mind doing it and I notice I do it everyday. I’m unsure as to whether it’s an actual stim or a tic. I just know it’s not totally under my control.

My mom has told me she has a tic too. For her, she does it when she gets frustrated or angry and puts two of her fingers up by her face and wiggles them. She told me that sometimes when she gets really frustrated or angry she throws stuff. I’ve never seen her tic or her throwing things. So, I would imagine she keeps these things private like I do.

Another thing I’ve seemed to have developed is squeaking. I don’t know when it all started, but I know I didn’t always used to do it. Basically it’s just what it sounds like: a squeak. Sometimes when my mom talks to me I respond by squeaking instead of using words. I didn’t know why I did this, but I think I might know now. It’s probably a way of expressing my emotions. I’ve noticed that I have different squeaks meaning different things. My mom has even figured out what some of the squeaks may mean. Heh. It’s pretty funny. A while back though my parents wanted me to stop doing it and speak instead. I just can’t though. I can’t stop now. At least I only do this in private and usually only with my mom. I would never do it with friends and certainly not with authority figures. It’s just another weird quirk that developed that I don’t fully understand.

Ok, if you read all that hopefully I’m now almost finished. One last thing I want to mention is about echolalia. That is repeating words or phrases another person just said. I do this with my mom (interesting how most of my autistic-like traits come out only around her) I often repeat the last word my mom said. I’m not sure why I do it. It just happens. This is something I can’t totally control either, and I’ve recently started paying attention to it. My mom doesn’t seem to notice that I do that though and I only really do it around her. It’s another thing I wouldn’t do around anyone else.

Phew I think that’s about it.

Most kids get into dinosaurs at a very young age. When I became interested in them, I was 14. It was right before the Disney movie Dinosaur came out. I became excited and wanted to learn more about dinosaurs. It soon became an obsession with me to buy just about every book I could on dinosaurs. One of my favorites, which I still have, was called The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dinosaurs. I was no idiot of course; I had learned a lot already by the time I had got this book, but what I loved about it was that it had everything. Everything from the very first fossil discovered, to the battle between Paleontologists Cope and Marsh, to dinosaurs in the media. It was really wonderful, and remains to be my favorite. My interest in dinosaurs lasted about 3 to 4 years.

At that age I’m sure the obsession was unusual, but I didn’t really know it or care until one day my friend pointed it out to me. When I told her I liked dinosaurs, she said to me “That’s weird. Come on. Nobody likes dinosaurs.” I was heartbroken to hear this because it was a subject I held so dear to me. It made me angry and I didn’t want to hang out with my friend anymore because she thought liking dinosaurs was stupid. Of course that wasn’t the only reason she made me angry.

She was the first person, or at least the first who I was aware of, that criticized me for being myself. She often tried to put makeup on me and I really hated it. I don’t like how it feels and I get scared when I see myself in the mirror with it on. It doesn’t look like me. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. It frightened me. I don’t wear it for that reason. She also would do my hair, and it pulled and was very painful. I hate the hair cutters because of that. She also did things to try to make me into a “normal” person. She said my clothes weren’t in style, that I had to wear them a certain way, and to stand up straight because I slouched. She told me I had to do certain things in order to fit in. I just couldn’t understand it. Why would people make themselves uncomfortable just to fit in? It made no sense to me. To me, being comfortable was more important than fitting in. On top of that my friend’s mom would often yell at her which was painful to my ears and made me upset. I recall crying a few times when I got home because of that. It was really no wonder I never wanted to go back to her house again.

I still hold a grudge to this day against my friend and the things she did. I never did tell her how I felt because I thought she would misunderstand or not listen. It was a time I learned that people didn’t like it when you were yourself. That just really made me sad and frustrated. It also taught me that I still want to be myself no matter what because I just don’t care about fitting in. I am ok with being me and I think that’s a good thing. I just don’t want to be a big lie, faking myself in order to get people to like me. I’d rather they like me for who I truly am.

So, I continue to do what keeps me happy and comfortable because there’s no greater thing in the world than that.

I bought Temple Grandin’s book Thinking in Pictures. So far it has been a really interesting read. I have to say I think visually as well. I didn’t know this until I researched about my problems telling “left” from “right” I didn’t know why I kept making mistakes about this. A person would tell me to go left and I would end up going right. This is particularly difficult when trying to learn how to drive with an instructor giving you instructions. I still haven’t mastered driving yet, nor have I really wanted to. But getting back to the main point; this issue was really bothersome to me because it just seemed so simple to know your left from your right, yet I couldn’t do it.

So I tried finding this problem online, and found one site written by a woman with the same problem, and her reason for it was that her thought processes were visual. I remember thinking wow, this really explains it. Since she had no image associating with “left” and “right” she often couldn’t tell which was which. The same holds true for me. The woman’s technique to help with this was to have your left hand make an “L” shape to distinguish the difference. This doesn’t exactly work for me though because when I look at it that way it looks like the “L” is pointing towards my right hand. This leads to even more confusion. :S So, I have yet to find a technique that will help me with this.

Now I know that I think visually for most things. When I read a word a picture forms in my mind, and like Temple Grandin, it’s like a movie replaying, giving me images associated with a memory.

Directions also leave me very confused. The person will say street names or turn right here, go five miles up that way, and I would get totally lost. One example was when I was trying to get my ID at college. The guy who was usually supposed to be in the building where IDs were handed out, was not there. I went to the Admissions and Records building and told the lady I needed to get my ID and the guy wasn’t there. She then proceeded to tell me some directions on where to go to talk to a woman about getting a key. I totally couldn’t make sense of the directions. They were given all at once, and so I asked her if the room she told me about had a number. I can picture a number in my head, so then I was able to get there.

Further reading in Grandin’s book led me to auditory problems. This is a pretty big one for me. Sudden loud sounds are what bother me the most. Like balloons popping, fireworks, gunshots, thunder. I always try to avoid these. I believe I do have more sensitive hearing than the average person. My therapist has even told me this. Lately I’ve tried to desensitize myself from these and it works somewhat. For example, loud sounds used to be a problem for me at Disneyland. Since I go there often, instead of plugging my ears on some of the rides, I decided to hear it and bear it. Over time I became not as sensitive to it and can enjoy the rides more. Still though I can’t tolerate fireworks or thunder. Especially the combined flash of lightening and roar of thunder. It leaves me curled into a fetal position underneath the covers of my bed.

At the same time of being sensitive to loud noises, I can be hyposensitive as well. I can’t hear well with a lot of background noises going on. This is especially apparent while talking on the cell phone. Grandin talks about that auditory test she took with two sentences said at once, in which she failed. I’m sure I would fail the test too if it was given to me. However, I did well on auditory tests in school like her.

I think this is all I will cover on sensory stuff today, since I am short on time.

I was at the movies the other day, and the ads were flashing up on the screen as usual. I really can’t stand them. I miss the good old days when they used to put trivia on the screen. It was then that I saw an ad for Cure Autism Now, to do the walk and I looked on with disgust. Of all places they show this, in the movie theater.

I don’t believe autism should be cured, nor do I believe it could be. Autism is part of a person and if it was taken away, it would be like taking their personality away. If in fact a cure was created though I doubt anyone would be forced to take it, however they would most likely use it as a preventative measure. So, that may mean no autistics would ever be born again. They’re not thinking that perhaps some of these people could be the next Einstein, Issac Newton, or the like. The fact of the matter is people need autistics whether they know it or not.
They only think of the negative aspects of autism and not the positive. In my mind the positives outweigh the negatives. I believe I am a sensitive person, intuitive, and yes I even have empathy. All I think are wonderful traits in a human being.

They also do not realize that while autistics may not be able to talk, they can speak. Maybe perhaps people believe that since they cannot talk they can’t think. It’s surprising that there are people that actually believe that. They don’t believe they can have a voice, can listen, or understand. They only look at what they see on the outside, not the inside, which is absurd to me. But I guess maybe that’s how some “normal” human beings are.

Well I think that someone should do something on that walk. Wear a shirt that says “Cure Curbies” or something. Protest. Say something. Let them know where you’re coming from because they do not understand.

Yesterday in my theories of social behavior class, a guy actually talked to me. He introduced himself and said that since he figured that I was in three of his classes that he ought to introduce himself, so this is how the conversation went. I’ll call the guy B.

B: Hi, I’m B. *Shakes my hand*

Me: Hi, I’m Elise(for that is my real name) *Shakes his hand*

B: I figured that since I’m in three classes with you, I should introduce myself.

Me: Mmm

B: Is your major sociology?

Me: Yeah

B: Mine too

Me: What are you planning on doing with it?

B: Uh I was thinking about becoming a teacher, what about you?

Me: I’m not sure yet. I just want to get the degree and worry about that later

B: Ah, my friend is a psychology major

Me: Oh, yeah that’s a really interesting major

B: Yeah, I found it kinda difficult though… *mentions something he didn’t quite like about the major, but I can’t quite remember what he said*

That was about it for the conversation. I thought it went fairly well, especially the part where I asked him a question because I hardly ever do that. I’m no expert at “bouncing the tennis ball back” as my therapist would call it. Meaning keeping the conversation going. I thought I did ok though.

Later on in the class the teacher was asking us a question, and no one seemed to raise their hand, so I decided to do it. That was one of the most courageous things I had to do. I really don’t remember the last time I raised my hand in class. Anyway the question was about what we thought of what we read in the textbook, and this was my answer: “Well, I thought it was interesting how they were talking about how technology is taking over, and comparing McDonald’s to workplaces and things like that” Which you probably wouldn’t know what I was talking about, unless you read the textbook, but I wasn’t sure of what to make of the teacher’s response to that. She said “Uh huh” and that was it. I wasn’t sure if it meant she understood, or that meant my answer wasn’t very educated sounding. I really hate not knowing what was meant by her response, it kills me. So, I was sorta both beating myself up, and praising myself at the same time. Beating myself up because I kinda felt my answer didn’t seem very formal, but I was also praising myself for having the guts to raise my hand in class, and also I know that it takes me some thinking time to come up with an answer. Probably more thinking than the average person. So, I can say that I at least tried.

Later on I talked with this girl who’s an acquaintance I suppose because she also has three of my classes. I’ll call her L, and this is sort of how the conversation went:

L: What did you think of the class last night?

Me: It was pretty interesting

L: Yeah, I felt kinda sorry for the lady that went first to discuss her paper, she was thinking no no no, I don’t want to go.

L: I don’t know though, I think I did my paper wrong.

Me: Yeah, I think I did mine wrong too. I did the two incidents with two concepts thing.

L: Yeah

Me: What’s funny though is the first lady who went, her incident was pretty much the same thing I did, so I didn’t want to volunteer.

That’s about all I can remember from the conversation. Again, I’m not so good with keeping conversations going, but maybe it’s not just me. When people give a one word answer back, I don’t know how to make it flow again. All I can say is I try.